Early morning insight

I’m noticing something about myself-a pattern I’ve just discovered. I work hard and then wait hard for God to move in a particular area in my life. I pray and I wait but when He answers, instead of taking time to truly enjoy and sit and marvel at what God has done, I’m off to the next thing. And if the next thing is something new or something I feel ill equipped for, like today, instead of cultivating joy, I’m battling anxiety and fear, Alternatively, an onslaught of critiques about missteps from my perceived errors in the day flood my mind. So instead of focusing on God’s miracles, I’m invited to focus on my shortcomings.  

In the past 24 hours, I’ve been in all of those places, but it’s only in the still, quiet of the morning that I’ve been able to name them. Now, what should I do about it. Ahhhh. There’s that phrase again, “to do.” Any time I’m faced with an issue or dilemma, my first inclination it to determine what can I do to address it, when in reality, I really should learn to be-be still before the presence of God, be still with God. I need to learn to take all of my cares to Him so that He can do what He does best. The longer I try to do something about them myself, the longer I carry an unnecessary load, a load I’ve been carrying way too long. Even as I write this, I can feel the stress in my neck, and I can’t blame it all on my pillow. It’s been a long year and an even longer 6 months. Lots of hoping and praying and lots of waiting and emotional lifting. Now it’s time, it’s been time, for rest. Writing for the sake of writing; sitting without thinking about the next thing ahead; sitting without thinking; taking in the beauty of creation; breathing; spending time with God just to spend time with God, not because I or someone I know needs something; reading His word just for the joy of reading and studying His word, not in preparation for some assignment; breathing.

I’m also learning to receive grace so that I can extend grace to myself and others. This is a new season and it carries with it a new rhythm, a new way of being, a new way of discerning, a new way of noticing. I just realized I dreamt about work last night and it’s happened several times in the past month, particularly on a Sunday. Why is that important? That was my pattern when I was in private practice and dreaded going in on a Monday or I was stressed and processing something. It’s in the quiet time that I can hear and see, and I understand what I am inadvertently carrying and need to surrender. I learn the source of the pressure and weight that I’m carrying that make it hard to breathe.

This is the day that you have made God. Help me to rejoice and be glad in it, in all of it-not because all of it will be good, but because you are good and you are already in the midst of all it. You have prepared the way before me and prepared me for the way and have equipped me with everything I need to face everything that is to come. That’s why I can rejoice and rest in you today. You are peace; you are my strength; you are my source; you are my help; you are everything I need.

Am I still tired? Yes. Am I still apprehensive about things on my agenda today? Yes. Would I rather go back to bed and sleep for the next few hours? Yes. Everything I’m feeling today is real, but so is my God. He didn’t tell me that I wouldn’t have moments or days that I would wrestle with all of these feelings and emotions. He simply asks me to trust Him with it all, so I don’t have to give into the wrestle. He invites me to see Joy, even in the midst of the wrestling. Peace is not found in the absence of our issues; it’s found in the person who can handle our issues-our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

As I was writing this, I heard my son yell that there were deer in our back yard. I got up to take a look out of the window and I saw three, then four deer out for what I can only guess was their morning walk and breakfast. I love seeing deer and I tend to see them when I need just a little more joy or a little more strength. Every time I see them, I think of two of my favorite scriptures:

“As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.” (Psalm 42:1)

“He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.” (Psalm 18:33)

The deer remind me that in order to face whatever I’m facing, I need Jesus and that I don’t have to worry because He always protects me and keeps me safe.

So what am I going to do? I’m going to give it all to Him today, because He was designed to carry it. Will you join me?